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  I managed to chop the log and bury the ax in a thick sheet of ice that was underneath the snow I was standing on…all with one blow.

  This is out of control. I’m going to hurt myself soon with this kind of behavior.

  Half of me wishes I already did. The pain of an ax wouldn’t even come close to the pain of her leaving. I wish I could just hibernate like the bears up here so I wouldn’t have to think about this at all. I’m halfway there already. I’ve barely eaten these last two months.

  All that talk that night and I didn’t even get her name. Not only that I was sure she was in this for the long haul.

  How foolish I was. How utterly foolish to think she’d drop everything she had going on in her life and come up here in the middle of nowhere and live with me.

  But that’s the part I tried to convey to her. Just being around her made me feel different. I was ready to make some changes and that started with re-assimilating into society…with her.

  But now there’s no her and no society within sight.

  Just me and my pain up here.

  A bead of sweat drips from my forehead and carries down my body. By the time it reaches the middle of my stomach it’s already frozen.

  I don’t even feel the cold anymore. I’m out here like a crazy man without so much as a shirt on.

  I breathe deep and feel the cold enter my lungs.

  “That’s right!” I yell hearing the echo through the mountains. “You can’t hurt me you son of a bitch!”

  I don’t even know who I’m yelling at anymore. Not only that if I have to say I can’t be hurt then the truth is obvious…I’m beyond hurt.

  But something seems different today. Something more intense.

  Is it a full moon? The moon doesn’t just pull the tides. It affects people too. It’s not about horoscopes or zodiacs…this is real. Nature can affect our moods more than most people care to admit.

  But I’m not even trying to pretend like it doesn’t.

  Something’s different today. I know I tell myself that every day, but today I can just feel it.

  I bury my ax in the wood and walk down to the stream. I’m going to bath in the little water that still moving and then get dressed and walk back into town.

  Something is pulling me there. Something is telling me to take all the money I have left and just go.

  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do and I’m not going to stop until I find her.

  CHAPTER 13

  Winter

  “Just to take a semester off,” I say to the admissions officer.

  “Miss Lewis, it’s not this universities policy to permit gaps in instruction.”

  “But it’s a common thing. Lots of universities do it.”

  “But not this university. If everyone was jumping off a bridge, would you do the same?”

  Really? Now she’s going to talk to me like she’s my mom.

  “Sorry to take up your time,” I say.

  I stand up and leave.

  “You can re-apply when you’re ready to continue. Of course there will be a new application f—”

  I shut the door and just start running.

  I’m pregnant with a child and all she cares about is her stupid two hundred dollar application fee! I’m so tired of education becoming this mammoth business masquerading as helping people learn things.

  Look at the boys here. Most are technically borderline alcoholics spending four years trying to get laid while their parents drop their life savings in the hope a piece of paper will get them a job. Or at worst they can brag to their friends about where their son, or daughter, goes to college.

  I swear I could learn this stuff on YouTube for free. But YouTube doesn’t give you the piece of paper that every employer is looking for.

  The tears start falling and I pick up my pace.

  Employers. That’s exactly what I suddenly need. A job.

  I need money now that I’m going to have a child to support.

  But if I’m not enrolled in classes anymore then I probably don’t have access to the university hospital.

  Great. Just great!

  I can imagine it now. Um, hello. Can you please hire me? I’m two months pregnant with no money and a college drop out. So I’ll need a salary and benefits and lots of time off and then in seven months I’ll need a couple more months to be with my child because of course…I’m a single parent.

  The worst part is I really liked that guy. Really really liked him. Sarge is all I know.

  I’ve wanted to go look for him since the day I left. I knew it was a mistake, but there’s no way I can go back now. Now I’ll just look like a desperate and foolish girl trying to latch on to him in my time of need.

  The craziest part is I bet he’d take me in. I could see he truly loved me. And as crazy as it sounds I loved him too. I was just so scared. We connected so quickly and so passionately and it scared me a lot. I wanted to finish school and I know he was living in the middle of nowhere.

  He passed out and for an hour I paced about the room trying to figure out the best course of action.

  As hard as it was I had to go. I had to walk out without the tears and without him stopping me, because I know he would have.

  There was no way he was going to willing let me go and that’s the part I loved the most.

  He’d do anything for me. Absolutely anything.

  But not now. I can’t allow him to.

  This is my baby and my responsibility. I need to toughen up and figure this out for myself.

  My run slows to a walk and a few minutes later I’m at my car.

  I’ll drive back to my dorm room and gather my things.

  I’ll sleep in my room for one more night and then I’ll let my roommate know in the morning that I’ll be leaving. I’ve already paid my half for the semester so it won’t be any problem for her. She’ll have her own room in fact.

  Good. I’m tired of causing problems for other people.

  If my actions are careless or reckless then so be it…if it only causes pain for myself.

  But there’s no pain that can match the pain I feel now from messing up the best thing I ever had.

  Him.

  CHAPTER 14

  Jason

  Three days later

  “Sir, we can’t give out information regarding any of our students. It’s federal law,” the girl at the reception desk at the admissions office says.

  “Can you just tell me if she was ever enrolled?”

  “Sir, you’re describing someone. You don’t even have a name. I’m sure you can imagine how many young women fit that description that go to this university.”

  “There’s no one else like her!” I say.

  How dare she compare my woman to anyone else. I’ve been around this world more times than years this person in front of me has been alive. I’ve seen women of every shape and size, every color of skin, every religion or belief and I know for a fact there is only one woman like this on the face of the planet.

  Only one young woman who is absolutely meant for me and I’m tired of looking for her. It’s time to quit messing around and find her.

  “Sir, I’m going to have to call the campus police if this continues. You’re scaring me.”

  I try and calm myself down so I can think.

  “And kind of turning me on at the same time,” she mumbles under her breath.

  I’m not interested. I’m only interested in one very specific girl.

  I turn and walk out of the office.

  What appears to be her boss or some sort of supervisor brushes past me.

  “Well hello there, lumberjack.”

  What in the hell is wrong with these women? Can’t they see I’m taken? Can’t they see I’m on a mission to be reunited with the only girl in my life that matters?

  Why do they even bother trying? With their looks and their little comments which they think are funny. Pointless. Completely pointless and a waste of time.

  They’ll win the
Powerball a hundred times over before they get me to break in my commitment to finding her.

  I push through the doors on campus and make my way back to my truck. I used $2,500 to purchase a beat up old Ford F150. It’s got four wheels and an engine and that’s all I need right now.

  I’m just gonna keep filling it with gas until I find her.

  I won’t stop looking and I won’t let anything slow me down.

  Not now. Not ever.

  CHAPTER 15

  Winter

  “Coastal Coffee,” I say out loud as I read the sign.

  I can’t believe it.

  Firstly, we’re nowhere near a coast. How do they get off calling themselves Coastal Coffee?

  And more importantly this is where I sat down with Sarge for the first time just over a couple months ago.

  How did it turn from what it was then to what it is now?

  And in the middle of winter no less?

  Who would put all that effort into starting a business this late into the winter? It’s not like there are a bunch of rich people descending on this mountain town for a film festival or something.

  Surely somebody around here knows where he lives.

  I go inside and try and describe him. The barista looks at me like I’m a crazy, psycho, ex-girlfriend or something.

  Oddly enough I might qualify as all three. At this point I definitely am guilty of being the first two.

  I continue door to door but with no luck.

  I step outside of the last shop at the end of the street two hours later feeling defeated and broken.

  I take a deep breath and think about how I might be able to find him.

  “How stupid am I?” I say as I slap my hand on my forehead.

  I run down to the hotel and ask them if they can pull a record for that room the night we were there.

  Fortunately the girl at the desk senses my desperation and lack of hope and she agrees to quickly check, if I promise not to tell anyone that she gave me the information.

  “Yes! I mean I won’t tell,” I say as quietly as I can as I clasp my hands together in front of my body.

  She smiles thinking she’s going to really help me out. And she is, but she has absolutely no idea.

  Once I find him I’m going to tell him what happened but also let him know I don’t expect anything from him. I really don’t.

  I just know he spoke so strongly about having a baby with me that night and now, well…here we go.

  I just feel like he has the right to know. The right to know I’m going to keep it and to be involved if he chooses.

  Maybe he’ll hate me after the way I up and ran off.

  I can totally understand if he does. He has every right to. He can even yell and shout and I would totally understand.

  I’d probably do the same.

  But right now I’d give anything to see him…even if he tells me off to my face it doesn’t matter.

  I just have to let him know and if I’m being honest with myself…I feel like there still might be a chance.

  A second chance to try again. I’ll work and pay for everything for me and our child. I just want him.

  I need him now. It’s embarrassing to come crawling back like this but sometimes it takes losing what you had to know how much you truly did have.

  He’s so full of love and kindness and such a beautiful specimen of a man.

  How I ever turned my back on him is now life’s greatest mystery.

  “Okay. I found the booking,” she says.

  “Goodie. Goodie. Goodie!” I say.

  I’m almost there.

  “Seems he paid in cash. He left the name of…whoever booked him just entered John Doe Guest. Oh my. I’m terribly sorry.”

  I feel like a balloon that just got pricked by a pin.

  “Nothing? There’s nothing else?”

  The receptionist pauses trying to think.

  “Nothing that I can think of unfortunately.”

  “No security tapes?”

  “We delete them after thirty days.”

  “When you delete them how soon until you use them again? I mean if they’re digital you can recover the footage.”

  “We use the same tapes, and we’re an old hotel. They’re film.”

  “No other records? He didn’t provide anything or any clues when he checked out?”

  “There’s nothing in the system and the girl who checked him in doesn’t work here anymore. She was just seasonal help from another country. She’s back to wherever she’s from now.”

  I don’t want to give up when I got this close, but there’s just nothing else I can think of right now.

  “If I think of something else can I call you?”

  “Better if you just show up when I’m working. I shouldn’t be doing this for you. I could lose my job. And I can’t totally promise I can search for anything in the future.”

  “Ma’am, is everything okay with your visit?”

  I turn and see the manager. Oh no.

  “Yes, excellent. I mean I was just inquiring about a future stay and this young lady was helping me with the dates.”

  “Excellent. We look forward to hosting you.”

  “Thank you. I look forward to being your guest. I always love my visits here,” I say, realizing I was only here once of course and it ended very bittersweet.

  “Thanks again,” I say to the receptionist. “I’ll clarify with my party and book online.”

  “My pleasure,” she says.

  I go for the exit and realize my statement is absolutely not a lie.

  The minute I find him we’re coming right back here and I’m paying for it. The first time here was so magical.

  All I need is one more chance for a do-over and that second chance should start back here at this hotel where I am now completely sure that…we fell in love.

  I step outside and directly across the street I see…no it can’t be.

  “Hawkeye!” I say, darting across the street as I hear a horn.

  “Watch where you’re going psycho!” the voice yells out the window, but I don’t care.

  “Hey there little lady.”

  “Oh my gosh. I’m so glad I found you. Have you seen Sarge?”

  “You call him Sarge too? I’m surprised he lets you get away with that.”

  “I don’t even know his real name. That’s the problem.”

  “Most people don’t. I think he gives it out on a need to know basis. And by gives it out I mean you pretty much have to pry it out of him and even that’s a chore considering I doubt he has a valid driver’s license or any ID for that matter. He could tell ya it’s Jiminy Cricket and you’d pretty much be forced to believe him.”

  I squint wondering how in the world this guy knows about the history of Disney movies, but right now I don’t care.

  “Have you seen him?”

  “Yeah. Hate to be the one to break the news, but I think ya might be a dollar short and a day late.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He came by yesterday looking for some girl.”

  “A girl?”

  “Yeah. Seemed pretty obsessed with her.”

  “Did he say who? Did he describe her?”

  “No. Just said it was someone he met very recently. That’s about it.”

  I do the quick calculation.

  “But he never comes down here into town right? So recently could mean a while back?”

  “Well, he never used to but in these last couple months he’s been down here…oh…a good handful of times now I’d say.”

  “Five times?”

  “Something around there I reckon.”

  “And he met this girl recently?”

  “Very recently he said.”

  I don’t say anything.

  “You gonna pick your lower lip up off the ground before somebody drives a truck inside that tunnel you got open?”

  I close my mouth realizing he was right. Now I’m embarrassed, but more importantly this is
the worst news I could have received.

  “He didn’t describe her? Say what she looked like?”

  “Like I said, no. He just said he met her very recently and he’s been coming down here a lot so your guess is as good as mine. He was definitely on a mission to find her though. Never ever seen him that way over a woman. Never thought I would either.”

  “Right,” I say.

  A moment passes.

  “Come inside for a drink? Place is way nicer now that we’ve moved across the street.”

  Wow, I’m telegraphing my misery that obviously huh? He can read the desperation on my face.

  “Um thanks, but sorry. I can’t this time.”

  “Not a problem. Next time you’re in town swing by. Maybe he’ll be back around and you’ll bump into him.”

  “Maybe,” I say. “Thanks Hawkeye.”

  “Not a problem little lady.”

  I turn to go and start walking down the road feeling completely defeated.

  “Want me to tell him who stopped by?”

  I turn and pause thinking if it’s even worth it now.

  He’s obviously moved on and it’s completely my fault. I totally blew it. But there’s no point in hating him for something I brought upon myself.

  “Winter,” I say.

  “All right then,” Hawkeye says as he coughs. It’s not due to the weather though. He’s laughing at my name because he thinks I’m referring to the season we’re in or the coldness I’m giving off right now. “Will do,” he says.

  I turn to go and take a few steps. I stop. I just can’t let this go for some reason.

  “Hawkeye,” I begin. I’m just at the edge of the distance where I can talk loudly but don’t have to yell.

  “Ma’am.”

  “Can you at least tell me his name?”

  For the first time since I’ve met him a serious look comes over Hawkeye’s face. He’s deciding if he’s going to tell me. I can see that he does in fact know his name.

  “Well, seeing that you two shared a drink together and he sure seemed to be having a good time when you were here I don’t see much harm in it. Not like he can’t protect himself anyways if you turn out to be an ax wielding psycho.

  “An ax wielding psycho?”

  “Never know these days.’